Abdullah's Notes

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To love and be loved

I had a dream that I was at a funeral. And someone was saying good things and recalling meaningful moments from that person's life. One of the sentences he said, was, "This was a man who loved life with no shame". It made me look at him. I couldn't help but think about how poignant it is to recognise that in another, and then to deem it a universally recognisable enough yearning to choose to include it in a speech to other people.

The feeling that, sometimes, living well requires a love for life that is unashamed and unbridled. That even when my actions are limited by my circumstances (and I'm tempted by whatever happens to be just beyond those limitations), love cannot be smothered. I must love everything I have within these frustrating boundaries with the same love that I would've given these things if the boundaries weren't there. That denying what I have love because I don't have what I happen to want, is denying myself happiness for a pretty decent chunk of my life.

And yet, always getting astonished by what an impossible feat loving well always turns out to be. Always inventing and trying new tricks to remind myself to love, despite messages of hatred being blared over sirens in every corner of every city around the world.

The speech ended, and we were all walking away. People clustered in groups and spoke in whispers to one another as one does at modest events like this. Suddenly, everyone around me sped up and started walking with the speed and jitteriness of an anxious pacer. I remember slowing down even more and looking at everyone with a thoughtless confusion.

Every once in a while a group walked past me within earshot and I could make out what they're saying. And for some reason, they all seemed to be whispering to one another the exact same sentence again and again, like a broken record:

"Hey, you know, I was loved a lot in my life!", "Hey, you know, I was loved a lot in my life!", "Hey, you know, I was loved a lot in my life!"...

Someone bumped hard right into me, and I woke up.